I’d never realized that loss is such a complicated and nuanced concept. I thought you either had something or you didn’t — that something is either possessed or it is lost. I figured the only complication would be if something is misplaced. But over the last year, I’ve discovered that loss is something that can itself be possessed.
Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of Ben who was my furry rock and best friend for 18 years. Ben was not a possession as pets are often figured in our language and in our law (as chattel). Ben and I chose each other and in a symbiotic relationship, we helped and supported each other through our difficult lives. But on October 15th, 2014, I released Ben, at the age of 18½, from this world and his suffering. In that moment I did indeed feel dispossessed and with the loss of his life in mine, what had been an 18-year journey of discovery and adventure transitioned into a journey of grief. The worst part of that moment was that the creature that had supported me through so many other transitions and losses was no longer there to guide me and keep me grounded. For the first time since Ben came into my life, an adult life that was almost completely with him, I was now on a journey alone … or so I thought.
In truth, I discovered that I was far from alone. I discovered I was blessed with an abundance of love and support. I started to realize this fully when three weeks after I lost Ben I held a “celebration” for Ben, created food that Ben would have loved, and invited many of my friends that had either supported me through the years or known and supported Ben. I was overwhelmed by the fact that all but a few people who had had prior commitments came and offered their beautiful emotional support to me and gave me a very safe place to be sad. My house was truly full. And many of these friends have continued to be active and amazing supports in my life showing me compassion all the more remarkable because they aren’t necessarily dog owners themselves. Through all of this, they have been there for me … a fact that I have found startling and had to grow to comprehend.
Out of that support emerged another surprise — another miracle — and that was the discovery of a support I had never expected, in a place I never expected to find one … and in a friend who has since become my fiancee and who has become my new rock (sans fur). I can’t imagine that I could have travelled the last year as difficult as it has been without the presence of her love and her support and unwavering understanding and acceptance. In Jessica, I possess and share in a love I never knew possible.
During this year, I also came to possess — or was gifted the revelation — of another safe place to grieve: the very unique Pet Loss Support Group of Ottawa (visit them here on Facebook) which is lead by an incredibly generous woman, Dr. Lianna Titcombe, a veterinarian who has selflessly led the group since 2000. On the second Wednesday of every month, I’ve gone to this group, listened to others share their grief and stories and shared the progress of my own journey. And through this I have come to both understand the grief I am feeling and to accept it.
I miss the constant presence of my friend. Don’t get me wrong. I know he’s gone from the floor at my feet — though I continue to find traces of his fur in the house in unexpected moments, including yesterday out of the blue. I feel a hole in my body — the absence of a limb. And I grieve and I mourn … still. The days get easier and these are followed by difficult days to be sure. But over time, a new balance is finding its way into my life, in large part because Jessica and Elijah are occupying a huge part of my life today … and they need and deserve my love now. But for all the loss and change in my life with Ben gone, all I wanted today was to be able to hold him one more time. Even for instant … I just wanted to possess him on this earthly plane.
I’ve figured out that the past year has not been about grieving a loss. And it’s certainly not been about forgetting.
Over this year, I’ve discovered that I didn’t lose Ben. I lost his physical presence, his smell, and his warmth. I lost the patter and click of his pads and nails. I lost an incredible devotion and unconditional love. Yes, I lost a huge part of my world, but I did not lose Ben.
The past year has been about possessing this loss — of accepting it, understanding it, examining it, and making room for it in my life. I have discovered that I will never be without this loss and — by extension — I will never be without Ben. To put this in other words, by acutely feeling the loss of Ben’s life in mine, Ben becomes an immortal part of me. Or, still, in other words, by surrendering to the loss of his body, I possess his spirit and his love.
With the approach of this anniversary, my rawness of the loss started to rise back to the surface of my being. I cried spontaneously at many reminders of Ben and I started to live in fear of the anniversary and what it would bring. However, a wise woman shared with me at my group that we have a choice in how we remember — that I don’t have to relive the loss of that day and bury myself in the last hour of my time with Ben as he lay in a sunbeam and surrendered to our goodbye. I have a choice to celebrate and create a new memory that is equally a part of my life with Ben as the day he came into my life, unexpected.
I took the day off work — not because I so much had a huge plan in my head — (I had no plan at all) — but because I didn’t want to have my emotions escape unexpectedly — or, worse, I didn’t want to have to keep my emotions in check because of others. Today, I gave myself the freedom to think and to feel. The only thing I knew that I wanted to do today was to visit the dog park, my happy place, where Ben and I shared so many memories … and where on his birthday this year I scattered a few of his ashes (read more here), where we had had so many photo shoots including what I believe to be my best shot of him ever: Endurance (pictured above). And I knew I needed to find time to write about all of this. In short, I needed to possess my grief and be in the moment with it.
Jessica decided to use one of her scarce remaining vacation days to be with me today — to support me in whatever I needed. I didn’t ask or even insinuate that I wanted this — expressing my needs is not a strong suit regardless. I am not surprised she did this because that is quite simply the kind of amazing woman she is — and she continues to be there for me wherever I need her. I’m in awe of My Muse.
Soon after Ben passed away, the clouds rolled in and it rained for a week. His birthday this year was similarly inclement except for when we went to scatter his ashes, the sun came out behind the clouds and provided lightness to the moment. It’s been raining here again for the past few days and the forecast is more of the same. It rained hard this morning and the clouds are rolling in again … and, indeed, it looked like, if we were going to visit Ben’s tree today, we would be doing so in jackets and rubber boots. Instead, it stopped raining for a couple hours and when we arrived at the park after lunch, the sun came out … and came out in force. Ben’s tree — an ancient maple — erupted into gold as transcendent as the ruddy gold of Ben’s own fur. It was magical and even Jessica was there to remark that she felt Ben near.
When the rains came a year ago, I thought the heavens must be crying for this special sweet dog. Even though I’m not a religious person, I thought it seemed appropriate and right. Upon reflection now, I think it was Ben himself who was weeping. Weeping for me. I sort of think that he’s stopped his crying each time I’ve gone to his tree and instead beamed with the warmth of his undying love as we’ve approached. Indeed, I feel that tree is possessed of Ben and his spirit — which is why upon our return on our walk today, I couldn’t help but encircle the tree with my arms and press my forehead into the bark. I whispered into the tree: “I miss you Ben. I love you. Keep him safe — please.”
All Text and Images © Dale Schierbeck
I’m crying reading your story . My 5lb yorkie @ 17 is not doing well and she too has been with me thru divorce and kids choosing sides. She has been my “rock” my reason for waking up some days. ?I don’t want her to leave me.
I’m very sorry, for you, Marilynn. No matter how natural and inextricably linked are love and loss, it feels incredibly unnatural in us when it comes near. There is really nothing to say except to find comfort in what you still possess, celebrate what you have shared with her, and find support in what you will need in the future. Take good care in the meantime.
Hi Dale,
I just found your posts while searching for home recipes for my beloved labradoodle, Oakley, who recently suffered an acute renal injury from contracting leptospirosis. He was in the Michigan State Vet Clinic ICU for five days and managed to pull through. His kidney function has fluctuated from mildly to moderately impaired over the past 6 weeks. He is only 3 1/2 years old and we don’t know if his kidney function will improve over the next few weeks-months or not, but our vet has recommended a kidney sparing diet, either from commercial or home made sources. I will be purchasing the ingredients for your home made recipes very soon and see how he does. We love him with all our hearts needless to say. I will keep you posted. Your Ben sounded like a really wonderful pal and I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you Penny. Wishing you the best of luck with the recipe and hoping Oakley bounces right back. Definitely, keep us posted on how things go. Hang in there and keep fighting for him.
I love my dreams that I’m still walking my boy. Left us in 2011 at 10 years, just about my age in dog years.
Ah, yes … those dreams we hold so close … our mind’s consciousness, even in slumber, to keep us safe and secure in the comfort of our love. I hope my dreams stay with me as long as yours and that neither of them ever utterly disappear. I still love waking with his nose in my sleeping ears ….
Our little Jack Russell has just been diagnosed with renal failure due to his chronic heart failure. We are hoping that he can be helped tomorrow with a kidney flush and diet change. To find this page on the internet has filled our hearts with hope that we can make a positive change to the remainder of our little dog’s life. Our hearts go out to you with your loss of Ben. Thankyou so much for sharing this. I am going to chef your recepie tomorrow. If Spikey dosn’t like it then I will eat it all myself!
Kind regards and best wishes
Andy Robson
Swieradow Zdroj
Poland
Hi Andy. Thank you for sharing your story and your condolences. I hope the sake of you and your family that you have success with the recipe Spikey comes back strong. Fingers crossed. It’s an interesting coincidence that I’ve visited your little spa town while I lived in Poland myself. Very fond memories. Thank you.
I cannot tell you how glad, how grateful I am to have somehow stumbled upon your site. I am battling the same problems of kidney failure in my beloved dog Teddy. I am just coping on a day by day basis, he’s 14 and my constant amazing pal. Thank you so much for your words, and tender thoughts.
You’re very welcome, Jan. All the best to you and Teddy in New Zealand … proof that we are united around the world wherever there is unconditional love and devoted companionship. Wishing you the best through this battle.
Hi Dale,
I have just read through your posts and am grateful to have these recipes! My 11-year-young German Shepherd was diagnosed with renal failure (beginning stages) and I was prescribed commercial foods. Not only are they costly, they just don’t seem to be the answer to healthy for my dog. I am headed to the grocery store and will begin to feed her food created from your recipe(s).
Thank you!
Thank you Melanie. You’re very welcome. I am glad this provides you a cost-effective alternative and I do hope it works for you and your own dog. Best of luck and hoping you have a long life together.
Wow…..I’m speechless, eyes welled up with tears….
As I searched for low protein, low phosphorous recipes for Billie Jean, my 14 year old beagle with renal failure…..I found the most beautiful story/ relationship with you and Ben…. and realized finally, finally, I’m not alone…….heartfelt thanks for sharing, for caring, for your insight, your depth, your love:)
I am sorry for your loss. We lost a much loved cat, a thankful and loving rescue of an unknown age, to renal failure.
Thank you Kim. Your words are most kind and well received. Before I started on this journey with Ben, I had no idea about renal failure in pets and have been quite overwhelmed at how many share (or have shared) this journey. It is a hard one, to be sure. I hope you’re doing well yourself through your own loss. Thank you for your support here.
Oh Dale what a beautiful post and such wonderful insight with the rain, sunshine, and tree! And I so wholely agree with you on the ownership thing too. My thoughts are with you, I know the anniversary of the loss is always difficult and full of deep emotion. I can’t say that feeling of loss and losing a part of you ever truly leaves you, but you kern over time to cope with it. It’s such a shame our bundles of pure love are with us for such a short time, but I truly believe their unconditional love make us far better in that short time with them then we were before they entered our lives!
I wanted to share some good news with you and heartfelt thanks to you (as I’ve already thanked Ben) for sharing Bens special recipe. I wrote last month and mentioned that Chyanne was diagnosed with congenative heart failure and her kidneys were shutting down. She had gone off all food and things were getting dire. Well, I made up a small portion of Ben’s low phosphorus recipe and Chyannes nose not only twitched but her apatite was stimulated too and she’s back to eating! She has lost 16kilos in total since her diagnosis, but on her 2 week checkup last Tuesdy, she hadn’t lost any from the previous visit! She hasn’t gained but oh my gosh she hasn’t lost any! We have tried adding a bit of extra calories to her diet where we can and she’s now eating little and often (she has about a half a cup of food every 3 hours during the day/evening, not a great deal for a Labrador but far far better than she was having)! The vet says her heart beat is more regular and is managing to pump the blood better now too and that whatever we are doing to keep it up! So I told him about your recipe, your website, etc and he may get in touch with you. He thought the recipe was great and said he was going to share it with a few of his other doggy patients to try. Chyanne isn’t strong enough to go for daily walks anymore but we aim for every 3 days. Because she truly is just skin and bones now (it breaks my heart seeing all her bones) she feels the cold as she never did before, so last week she got her her very first pair of fleece pj’s and oh my gosh, she was so delighted! I’ve had to buy another two pairs. If she starts to get cold during the day, she grabs one and brings it over to me! 🙂 I had never thought of pj’s for big dogs but she’s loving them and now is sleeping better at night because when she gets up to get a drink, if her blankets fall off her (yes, she’s always loved having a blanket over her to sleep), she doesn’t get cold with the pj’s on, so doesn’t wake us up to get covered again, so the whole household is getting more sleep. So they obviously make a difference too. She has so much more fight in her, she seems happy, her eyes are bright and that tail of hers never stops wagging! The vet said he thought she had been letting go but has a whole new lease of life now and I put that down to your wonderful recipe you made for Ben and so kindly shared. So I’m sending a big and grateful hug, hubs sends a hearty handshake and Chyanne sends a loving doggy cuddle, cold wet nose snuffle and a huge wag of her tail along with our thanks! You truly have made a difference to us and having Chyanne here with us means more than I can say! And she celebrated her 12th birthday last week, which is a miracle as the vet said she would unlikely see it! Hope you are well and thank you again!
What very sweet words, Sassy. Thank you … thank you for your kindness and support and thank you for providing an update on Chyanne and her progress. It warms my heart tremendously to hear how the legacy of Ben’s diet continues to bring miracles and beautiful memories to the lives of many other dogs and families. There is nothing insignificant about her weight stabilizing and I can hear how that news put a spring in your own step. Very sweet to hear. Thank you again for sharing and I wish you and Chyanne all the best as you continue on your own journey. ~ Dale
What a beautiful expression of the day, the last year and indeed the celebration of the miraculous friendship between you and Ben. I’ve been most honoured to be part of this journey, to be able to hold your hand through it, and to be touched profoundly by it myself. I can testify to the fact that the tree, though captured as if in a painting here, was even more stunning in person yesterday, as the sun set it ablaze and we were warmed by its golden glow. Everywhere we walked, I felt as if Ben was walking behind us; keeping an eye out, ensuring we knew he was there and was pleased with your choice of how we would spend the day, and part of it all. It was as perfect a day as any could be in balancing sorrow and gratitude, loss and love. xoxo
Dale,
I am so glad I found your blog! Being able to find others who share your sentiments is one fabulous miracle of the internet. Your story and your willingness to share helps me prepare for the future loss of my own “Ben”. I recently learned that my best pal, Cody, has very early signs of kidney disease. Like you I immediately went online and downloaded all the scientific research I could find on the current best therapy. One paper entitled: Nutritional Management of Chronic Renal Disease in Dogs and Cats, brought me to the logic of creating a homemade diet superior to commercial food and that brought me to your blog. Words can not express my gratitude for what you have created. It is as if I had a personal counselor that understood my deepest thoughts. Anyways, the good news for me is that I should have several years left with my pal, Cody which brings me to my primary point.
Other papers I read speak of Omega 3 fatty oils as having added benefits in slowing the progression of kidney disease. Is there some specific reason that farmed salmon was not on your list of protein sources?
Thank you so much for sharing, and of course best wishes from a stranger in NY for your new found happiness!
Joe Peck
Pound Ridge, NY
Hi Joseph — what a pleasure to read your note. Great to meet strangers here and make new friends.
I couldn’t agree more: the internet has a great capacity to offer up miracles we might not have had before and I’m humbled if you can take anything from my pages that help. With respect to your question of salmon, you’re right, it is a great source of Omega 3 fatty oils and other good stuff. My research, however, showed it often has a relatively high source of phosphorous which for me negated the health benefits. That said, there are worse forms of protein and you might well argue that in small doses, salmon could still be part of a diverse diet or set of menus that added a balance of nutrients. Hope that helps.
Thank you again for your beautiful wishes. It means a lot from friends but is profoundly amazing coming from people I’ve never met. Best of luck to you and Cody and look forward to hearing from you again. ~ Dale
Hi Joseph…Hi Dale! Please ask your vet about sub-q fluids. My Billy is now also 18 and 1/2 years old. He was born in 1997. He was diagnosed with chronic renal failure roughly 6 years ago. He’s starting his descent now… but mostly due to age. I’ve decided to not have his bloods checked again, but only because it’s stressful for him, and I want to leave him in peace in that sense. His blood levels remained good enough that this past spring he was able to have surgery on his teeth with full anesthesia. The fluids (as well as other medication and special food), have kept them within normal range, so that his kidneys have degenerated at a slower rate. I do the IV’s at home (you can purchase everything in the pharmacy here in Italy)… it was easy enough to learn… and it only takes about 10 minutes.
I wish you the best Joseph! and Thank you Dale for your beautiful words! I’m not looking forward to Billy’s ending… my tears have already begun…. as has my sense of loss….
Thank you Marzia for sharing your story and success. A lot depends on as you suggest the age of the pet and the stage of the disease’s progress. Like you, when I received the news and diagnosis at Ben’s age, sub-Q treatments weren’t really the right course for him … largely because he was ‘blessed’ with Cushings which meant he was naturally drinking too much water and flushing his kidneys already. But for many here with younger dogs with the disease, your story should provide tremendous hope. Thank you again for sharing. All the best in your continued journey. It is hard hard hard.
Hi dale, it is Nicolette writing u from Singapore again. Some time ago I wrote on your post under low phosphorous diet. Your pain of losing Ben was so profound that words fail to describe it. Ben was more than a pet and certainly much much more than a dog. He was part of your life, your life. Ben was such a wonderful fellow and although you are not religious I just want to tell you that he is smiling down at you from heaven.
Ben has moved on to a place where there is no more pain and he would want you to continue on your journey on moving on too. He has not left you as he had left this incredible love for you.
You have bought tears to my eyes (yep you did). It makes me wonder what or how I would do it when my old boy (swift is the name) goes one day. But I know you and I would be able to because we live on the everlasting love of our most deeply devoted friends.
I’m equally moved by your comment, Nicolette. Thank you for coming back and sharing. I’m hopeful that Swift continues to do well and am glad that the diet you got here has provided you the chance the for many more positive days to add to your memory bank. Wherever Ben is, I agree, he and his presence continues to ‘haunt’ me in the most beautiful way. He’s around me, I know, and he’s always there when I still need him most. Thank you.
Hi dale I would like to share with u a photo of swift please let me know if that is OK and how I could do so.
Thank you, Nic, for sending along the adorable photo of Swift. He’s a cutie and looks bountifully full of life. Thank you for sharing as it has indeed brought “a little happiness and cheer through all the difficult times.” The internet is a miraculous place indeed to be sharing and receiving support from people we’ve not met, half a world away. I’m humbled and deeply grateful. Thank you. Stay in touch yourself. ~ Dale
Hi Dale, you are so very kind and make one feel so welcome to post on your blog. I never thought that I was able to find another person who would truly understand what we pet owners to through. Yes, he is so full of life and I am fighting this battle against this disease every day and not about to give up.
Warm sunshine from Sunny Singapore.
In reading this your words echoed the thoughts and feelings I continue to experience when I think of my beloved golden retriever I lost 11 years ago. It is true…..they may be gone from the physical world but they will always live on in our hearts!
Thank you, Jeanne, for your very kind words. I know my experience nor my love is unique and it means a lot to have the support of so many others who have had the same experience … and survived. Thank you again.
What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Jennifer for the very kind comment. It was a pleasure to share.